Written by Fel Spahr On
I remember when I was younger I was at a communion party for my cousin.
I was getting up from the table to head to the bathroom, and my grandmother looked at me and said in front of everyone that was sitting with us: “Felicia, you’re getting chunky.”
Which was interesting, considering I weighed 97 pounds at the time. You can imagine how confusing that was for me.
And all throughout my life I experienced this from women--these sly, backhanded comments. I saw them get angry when I looked ‘too good’, upset if I was ‘too happy’, and even upset when I was able to stick to eating healthy, and they couldn’t.
The problem was I had no idea how to handle it. And how are you supposed to, when you don’t have any women in your life who show you how?
But here’s the other side of that…
I had built up such a hostility towards women--thinking that all they DID want to do was tear each other down and cat claw for a prize--that’s exactly what I ended up attracting. It’s this vicious cycle of wanting to trust someone but already having reservations about them...then they do something that confirms your assumptions about them...then you end up disliking them but feeling bad about it at the same time (thinking not EVERYONE can be like this)...and so you start the cycle again.
And what I started to become fascinated with is WHY I felt this way and WHY women do this to each other in the first place.
Because being ‘Instantly Irresistible’ is never about tearing someone else down--it’s about being so confident in yourself that even if you come across another beautiful woman who is basically taking over the world you can’t help but love her, be proud of her, and want her to be even more successful than she already is.
So what’s missing?
Well...if anyone starts tearing you down it’s because they’re jealous. And when people are jealous, a part of them believes that you somehow are taking something from them. Which could be attention, influence, power, opportunities, resources, or men (or other women).
So the answer isn’t to condemn the world for making women this way, nor is it to go and be a feminist, and nor is it to rebel against your culture, or your society. If we’re all being honest--and I know we all have grand ambitions--it’s unlikely you are going to change how the world thinks about women in the next 7 days.
So where better place to start than with yourself?
Because if we’re being MORE honest--and I’m yet to let an elephant in the room go unnoticed--we have ALL done this at one point or another in our lives.
We’ve all looked at another beautiful woman and thought: “What a bitch.” or “What a snob” or “She just wants attention” or “She’s so selfish”. (Guys, I know you’ve done it, too)
Even if we’ve never spoken a word to her!
And because we’re so concerned with what we’re ‘losing’ by her even being around, we forget that she, too, is a person. That she has insecurities. That she doesn’t have all of her shit together. That she may need more compassion and love than any of us.
But we only resort to finding flaws so that we ‘feel better’ about ourselves. “Oh, she’s beautiful, but she’s not married. What’s wrong with her?” or “I’ve worked so hard to get ‘here’, but since she’s just skated by, she doesn’t know what it feels like to work for something”
Pop Quiz: Are we children, or are we mature adults?
If you answered children, I’m high-fiving you and saying ‘BINGO’ from my chair.
And as long as we act like children around not only other women--but other people who ‘seem’ to have everything they want, who seem to have it all together--we’re never going to learn! We fall in love with our judgments and we sit with them like a security blanket. It’s time to get your ass off the couch and admit that you may be wrong about certain things and perhaps you can actually learn from someone else--even if they intimidate you.
So now, to the Million Dollar Question: What do you DO if you are a beautiful woman and people DO tear you down? (Because they’ll try to). What if they DO tell you to ‘tone it down’, and not steal the show? What if they can’t help but give you backhand comments, one after another, like a furious ping pong ball?
Here’s a few options:
A) Tell the other person how ridiculous and stupid they are and that they should go to hell or another fiery place
B) Throw a fit and claw their eyes out. Rowr.
C) Try to argue with them with logic so you can prove to them how ridiculous and hurtful they’re being
D) Know that they need just as much love and compassion as you do. And that you don’t need to tolerate them, but you don’t have to take it personally, either. You can actually smile, knowing that you were there once, too. And you can smile, knowing that now have power over the situation--not them.
I’ll let you decide. But let me also give you the Catch-22.
This is SO HARD to do.
As I tell all of my students and every one of my readers, anything I tell you to try out, practice, or do--don’t expect overnight miracles. In fact, expect to feel even MORE frustrated or annoyed or like you want to beg me to tell you that you don’t need to go out and practice something anymore. Because if you really want not only the results---but to actually BELIEVE that you feel differently in these situations--then you need to do it over and over and over.
Because a lot of people read a post like this and go: “BOOM! Problem solved for eternity”. But that’s like the Giants winning the World Series and thinking: “Ta-fucking-da. We shall never lose a baseball game again.”
All great players know that they actually need to put it even more effort and practice to stay consistently at the top level. And when it comes to changing your own beliefs about something--hell, I’d say that’s twice as hard. But certainly not impossible.
So why am I even talking about this in the first place?
Because Instant Irresistibility is also about power and influence. It’s about getting what you want, especially out of your relationships.
But it’s really hard to have great relationships--and make new friends, and date new people, and form powerful connections--if you come to the table dissing that guy for acting like a ‘jock’, thinking that beautiful girl is just another snob, or that anyone who even just a little bit fits in with your beliefs you decide to write them off.
And just as Freud pointed out so many years ago, no matter what you try to do to ‘hide’ how you really feel, it will still come gushing like water right out of your pores. Just like people sniff out fear, they can sniff out your judgments. And if we’re all being honest with each other, no one likes to be friends with someone like that.
So instead of thinking: “UGH. That person just rubs me the wrong way”, cease to be satisfied with a surface-level thought like that. WHY do you feel that way? What is it about that person you don’t like? I don’t care what the answer is--just think about it!
But you want to know something? I doubt a good percentage of you will think about it. You know why? Because it takes a ton of mental energy, AND it actually means you need to re-evaluate yourself. This reminds me of a Carl Jung quote, which said: “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.”
It’s why so many people have ‘Squirrel mentality’. And it’s why you (or someone else) may continue to believe that all people want to do is tear you down, or that beautiful women are selfish bitches, or that a good-looking guy doesn’t have a soul.
Like I mentioned, no one’s perfect. We have ALL been there, myself included. And it still happens! So again--no Miracle Grow here I’m promising.
BUT--there is something you can do right now. Actually, there's 3:
1) If you’ve ever been subject to other people feeling jealous of you, saying backhanded comments or trying to tear you down in any way--see if you can’t try to understand that person and how awful they must feel inside. (Hint: People who try to make you feel awful, feel doubly awful about themselves)
2) If YOU’VE ever been one to tear someone else down or feel jealous of them (not envious, but jealous. Like you want them to go away, or you felt like they were stealing something from you)--try to understand WHY you did it in the first place. What were you insecure about? What were you afraid of losing? Why did you judge them so quickly--what influenced that?
3) If you are a beautiful woman who has felt all of the above before, and consider yourself to be ambitious, curious, successful and wanting to do even more amazing things--I want you to email me, because I have a few questions to ask you for a special project that’s in an early beta stage right now. Put in the subject line: “BWP” and in the email: “I’d love to talk”. Especially if you loved this post and even this post that I didn’t write--it’s a hint of what may come. ;)
For all of you who have still been wondering about the Instantly Irresistible program but haven’t done anything yet, today we’re going to have some fun because I’m going to discourage you from applying.
Just the other day someone emailed me and actually said they were ‘watching and waiting’ for things to come together for them. I immediately thought of what I used to do as a young girl--sit in front of the window of my house and “wait” for things to happen. I felt that if I watched long enough, surely something interesting would pass me by.
Do You Already See The Problem With Talking Like That?
When you sit in front of the windows in your life and just watch and wait, of COURSE things pass you by. You’re on the other side of the glass. Not in on the action. It’s what a lot of people who describe themselves as wallflowers feel like. Watching everyone else is front of them get to know each other and become best friends while they feel like an endangered animal with their hands pressed up against the cage, dying for someone to pay attention.
And yet, they cling to the wall. It’s the only thing they know how to do. To an extent, you can’t blame them. On the other hand, I don’t feel bad. NOTHING will ever happen when you just ‘watch and wait’ because everyone else who’s willing to go for it is going to pass YOU by.
Interesting people you could have met...not even knowing you existed.
Emotions that could have been expressed...but a connection was never made
Opportunities that were in your hand...but escaped like grains of sand
I KNOW you don’t want to live like this. (And I know, because some of you have flat out told me).
And yet...you do.
So what’s really going on?
You’re ashamed to be who you really are.
And before the arguments start about how that is “SO not the case”, give me 5 minutes and I guarantee I can show you what I mean.
Years ago, I went on a cruise.
And from the get go, I made the decision to meet new friends. So one night, I was on the outside of the ship and I saw a group of people. They looked interesting, but at this point, I could have just gone back to my cabin and called it a night.
But instead I thought: Why not? Why not just go up to them?
So I went over and started talking. And they were the people I spent the rest of the cruise with, having the time of my life. And little did I know, one of them I ended up falling in love with. And 9 years later, here we are today.
I like to think about this in terms of Goosebumps novels--where you can choose how you want the book to end. In this case, the other ending would have been me seeing this group of people...standing there...almost going up to them...letting my mind go down the rabbit hole of how I was going to start talking and keep the conversation going...and then deciding the safer route would be walking away and heading to bed at a decent hour.
Can you guess where that would have led me to now?
And yet, I know that’s what a lot of you do. You feel like running away and being alone because it feels so much safer than the possibility of being rejected, of not being able to connect with people, of being shunned out of a group. I would do the same thing if I were you.
But you can’t keep living like that forever.
Because unless you’re 100% okay with knowing that you will miss out on meeting people who will change your life, being passed up for opportunities that will never come around again, and always settling for second or third best because you don’t even KNOW how to get the best then yes, life will pass you by. You will be one of those people talking about regrets at your last moments. Why wouldn’t you? You missed out because you were scared as hell, and no one ever guided you as to how you could improve or do things better. No one showed you that things could be different. That you actually could be that person you’ve always wanted to be--because you feel it inside of you, and you damn well know it exists. And it’s begging to be let out.
But This Is Why I’m Actually Discouraging You From Applying To The Instantly Irresistible Program
Because while I’ll be giving you all the best techniques, tips, and systems to be able to build true confidence...approach anyone, anytime, anywhere...tell the most captivating stories to anyone you meet...draw new friends, powerful connections, and life-changing opportunities to you like magnets...and do it for the rest of your LIFE…
It’s going to be very, very difficult.
Because this isn’t ‘just’ about social skills.
You are going to start to see all of these things that have been holding you back. You are going to feel exhausted, you’re going to feel like not doing anything, you are going to be coming to grips with things you didn’t even know you believed and you’ll be baffled...frustrated...and how long they’ve had control over your life, your future.
And that’s why people stay the same. Because change like that is threatening. And it’s hard to go through it alone when you don’t have someone there to guide you and help you through it.
Which of course is why this program isn’t just material I throw at you and have you do by yourself. I’m here, holding your hand every step of the way. I make sure you get the feedback, support, accountability, and 1:1 guidance that no one else has been able to give you up until this point.
But This Is Why I’m Selecting A Certain Kind of Person For This Program
Not only am I looking for someone who is ready to make a serious investment in this elite training program, I’m looking for someone who is self-aware, who’s willing to listen, and who has the courage to handle every obstacle that comes their way. Because 80% of this is about what’s going on in your HEAD. It’s not about an opening line. It’s not about wearing a feather in your hair. It’s not about coming up with magic routines or trying to woo everyone.
Because you can know how to do all of that and have a perfect performance.
It’s much harder to do that consistently over the long-term if you still feel like you’re letting life pass you by...giving up your power to other people and letting them decide how you get treated for you...feeling like you’ll never be accepted or be able to get people to see how truly amazing you are. You might not even believe you’re amazing at all.
So If You’re Not Willing to Face Certain Things About Yourself, I Do NOT Want You In The Program
You won’t be able to get any results. That, I can guarantee.
But if you ARE willing to go where you’ve never gone before and be that person who finally has power, influence, and impact on everyone who crosses your path...people who feel like you’re one of the most incredible people they’ve ever met...and you feeling like you can effortlessly get what you want in life...choosing instead of being chosen and waiting for things to come to you…
Then I DO Want You To Apply Today to The Instantly Irresistible Training Program
Today is the last day to apply, and I’ll no longer be accepting applications after 12 AM PT tonight. And remember, you’re under no obligation to do the program if your application is accepted. We’ll both be making sure we’re a great fit for each other. And please, only apply if you’re ready to make a serious investment in yourself.
Now, because we’ve had a theme of ancient wisdom in the last couple of posts, I can’t help but remember this saying: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.”
So even if you feel like you’ve gone all of your life doing the same things, and you feel like you’ll never be able to be charming...never be able to be fascinating or show people that you actually are an interesting person worth knowing...you can either choose to stay that way for the rest of your life or take 1 small step and apply to the program today.
It doesn’t guarantee you a spot, but it does mean that you’re serious about this, and it does mean that a part of you--however much of a whisper it is now--is saying: Do this. It wants you to do this. It wants you to be successful. It truly wants to change for the better.
And even if you never end up doing the program, you’ve taken one small step. And considering all of the people who never even ENTERTAIN the idea of improving in this way--because superior social skills literally gets you 10x more than everyone else and has the largest ROI in the long-term--you’re already ahead of the curve.
Because I’m sure there are other programs, or books, or people out there who can help you. The catch is that there isn’t one like this. And, I haven’t been cloned yet.
So Here’s What You Need to Do Now
Do NOT apply to the program if all of this sounds way too difficult, way too intense, or way too out of your league. I can tell you now you’re not the right fit.
DO apply for the program if you feel that right now is the absolute best time for you to do this. If you’re okay with what you may have to go through. If you’re willing to listen, to take action, and to let me support and guide you in the right direction.
Click Here to Apply Today - Deadline Is Tonight!
As a reminder, this is a 5 week coaching program. A program that shows you exactly how to be more confident (step-by-step)...tell the most interesting stories to anyone you meet...approach anyone, anywhere, anytime, draw new friends, powerful people, and life-changing opportunities to you like magnets and always get the best..and have a system to do it over and over again. All highly-individualized with exercises so you can apply everything you learn and measure your progress, detailed critiques and feedback from me via phone and email, and 2 live Skype coaching calls, with the option of having additional support if you need it.
The program begins Sept 1 and goes through Oct 6. If you’re serious, I’m looking for 3 very special people to work with and today is the last day for you to apply here.
What Would It Feel Like...What Would You Do If You Had This Kind of Power In Your Life?
Would you have unshakeable confidence?
Would you take the lead in your life and be the person who does things first, has an impact on the world, and be someone who people look up to?
Would you feel so attractive that people couldn’t help but be drawn to you like magnets?
Would people trust and like you instantly, and love to be around you?
Would opportunities fall into your lap with ease, instead of you feeling like you can never have the success you see other people have, wondering how they can ‘have it all’?
Would you be someone people want to be connected to because you always connect the right people, and give other people the best opportunities?
Would you have friends who inspire you, incredible mentors who make sure you’re successful, and a partner who’s head over heels for you?
And most importantly…
Would you feel proud to be you? Shameless, unapologetic, and the happiest, most irresistible person you’ve ever met?
Today, You Can Have That Power
Your first step is to apply today.
And remember, I don’t want you if you know you’re not ready for this commitment.
Tonight’s the last night to apply. You decide if now’s your time.
PS: I, too, know what it feels like to go through life with words unsaid...emotions unexpressed...an interesting people unmet. I know how painful it can feel, and how frustrating it is to realize just how much I held myself back...and had no idea I was doing it.
But the best decision I ever made was to do something about it. If you ever talk to someone who’s 10x...20x...or 50x ahead of you they’ll tell you they wished they had enrolled in coaching sooner. They wished they had someone who could guide them, particularly when things were difficult. It’s just impossible to go at it alone and expect yourself to figure out how to work through the problems you have. We’re too emotionally invested.
Filling out the application puts you under no obligation, and there’s no risk to you. I’ll be selecting people and reaching out to get on the phone with them to make sure we’re both a great fit for each other. One small step today, could change your life forever.